Struggle Of A Double Life

2018-12-05 - Trans-Stuff

Recently I’ve realised that I’m sorta living a double-life..
There’s me at work, seemingly contempt with life (only cause I’m mostly pre-occupied with other stuff) and me at home, desperately wanting to be a full, normal, girl.

In the past, I used to go to some LGBT nights at a local hall, but they stopped doing it after the June one because there wasn’t enough people going (I think it was down to about 5 regular attendees in the last 2) to cover the expenses of opening it up for the night. Since then, pretty much the only time I leave my house is to either go to work or the occasional Mums-side-of-the-family meetup where I sometimes get deadnamed (more on that in a future post maybe…). I haven’t been able to go out as me, Lizzy, in quite a while. Mainly because I don’t feel safe going places without either one of my sisters and don’t actually have any friends that live nearby. There are other trans meet-ups nearby-ish that I could go to but I don’t know anyone there and I’m scared of either annoying someone for asking stupid stuff or that they’ll collectively decide that I’m not trans and tell me to go away. (Yay anxiety)

At work I’m out to pretty much everyone in my department that I actually care about but I’m not yet going by my preferred name or presenting overly feminine and also haven’t yet told the HR team there. I do plan to tell them in a formal email at some point (probably after the new year) but I want to write a decent formal email rather than just “I’m transgender, deal with it”. I’m not sure yet if I’ll fully come out at my current work-place or not (more on that stuff in a possible future post) but I want to tell them so that they know and can back me up should I receive any abuse related to it. It also doesn’t help that work is kinda stressing me out at the moment because we’re stretched thin (at my site, there’s me who works the whole week and a co-worker that’s dropped down to part-time) so if I wanted to make a doctors appointment, I’d need to somewhat plan around the various obstacles and that only gets slightly harder in January/February as should be getting new staff member or 2 start (which I’ll need to help train).

I really need to get myself to the doctors though, from what I’ve heard the GIC waiting list is at about 2 years now, which is an annoyingly long time. I just need the right push or the right helping hand to do it…

I need help but I just feel like I’m going to be a massive burden to anyone who agrees to help me…..